Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
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NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Why soy sad?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?