Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

When someone trying to leave me

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

what do you want

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!