Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

This hospital has everything

me when i smell free food in the break room

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?