Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.