me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Saturday
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.