me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
#merica
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.