me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
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Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?