me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
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It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.