ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Only short people can save us
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”