Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”