Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
🤣🤣🤣
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
never forget
