Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

I’d … I’d rather not.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

motivation

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

I’m sorry…what?

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night