Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*