me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
![]()
You Might Also Like
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
What’s a Messi?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
![]()
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.