Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

Effort made

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

So creative 😂

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

😂😂

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.