me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
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At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
wut hotdog?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.