Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids