@david8hughes

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

You Might Also Like

@WilliamAder

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

@causticbob

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

@QwertyJones3

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

@DanaJGould

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

@Izianikapani

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

@Home_Halfway

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

@kumailn

Schools should teach mandatory classes on when a phone conversation is done.

@givemeyourbagel

@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.

Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”

Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”

@MavenofHonor

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015