Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
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Damn what did I do next
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund