Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

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Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.


Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!


E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.


Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.


Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot


Schools should teach mandatory classes on when a phone conversation is done.


@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.

Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”

Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”


On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.


“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015