Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

This dude got his own movie?

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?