Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

This checks out

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont