Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
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Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Hmm, not sure about this change
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed