Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*