Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

what the hell pray for carter everyone

classic mixup

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Me too, bag. Me too….

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.