me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
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My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe