Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.