Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
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“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
(Musicians.)
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire