Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

just leave it at the foot of the bed

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

a lot to unpack here

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did