me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that