Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.