Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.