Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*swipes right on my hand mirror

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Don’t snitch tag.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*