Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Sex so good you see dead people.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

The problem is that you are in the dating pool when the other fish are in the ocean.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.