Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

“just sayin” who asked you though?

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something