Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
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Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
New tinder profile pic
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.