Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it