Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”