Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
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This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Why am I like this?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.