Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

watergate? u mean a dam??

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD