me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
You Might Also Like
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.