Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

I’m not lazy

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Based Erika

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.