Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

What happened to the other hiker??!

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”