me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
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I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Just why bro?!
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.