Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

I’m awake but I object,

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.