Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie