Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
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The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
How do you milk an almond?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
it must be school picture day
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*