Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.


Note: *coughs*

You Might Also Like


[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it


My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.


my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear


“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple


Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.


Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.


My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.


Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.


the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall


Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.