Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.