me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
set yourself free xox
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
☠️
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.