me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?