Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

Steam Forums

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

They got Raph!

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.