Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

A man of commitment.

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.