Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion