Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

You were the one.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

Investing in beetcoin

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*