Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
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You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Camel dough
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!