Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
You Might Also Like
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs