Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet