Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Education is vital
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines