Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
when nothing goes right… go left
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to