Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Ok but actually
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range