Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.