Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

The worst part about parallel parking are the witnesses.

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down