me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
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Squirrels before girls.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Important reminders
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.