Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Uh oh 👀
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?