Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.