Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.