Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.