me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
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Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms