me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.