Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Got ya covered

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”