Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*