Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

Introverted vegans go meetless

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.