Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
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there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*