@EJGomez

me: can i have a coke
waiter: is Pepsi ok?
me: ya pepsi’s fine
pepsi: i have a boyfriend

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@Gupton68

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

@SadieSkyNinja

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

@WercYendor

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

@loudmouth_usa

My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I’m super interesting

@PaperWash

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

@mrjohndarby

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

@robfee

The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls

@Nickadoo

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

@PaperWash

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim