The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
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If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.