me: can i have a coke
waiter: is Pepsi ok?
me: ya pepsi’s fine
pepsi: i have a boyfriend

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4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*


Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.


I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔


My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I’m super interesting


Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!


me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair


The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls


Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.


Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined


Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim