Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
You might just have to resign…
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?