I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
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The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
