I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
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the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
that would 100% work on me
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.