I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
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starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”