me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
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One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Reporter: *ports again*
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?